


Cold December Night

by CongressIsAliens



Series: A Perryshmirtz Christmas 2020 [2]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: (kinda though), Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Christmas Fluff, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hallmark Movie AU, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), M/M, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27773224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/pseuds/CongressIsAliens
Summary: It’s the classic Hallmark movie. The workaholic from out of town falls for the owner of the small-town coffee shop and learns the true meaning of Christmas.Of course, it gets a little different when the workaholic is a secret agent, the owner of the coffee shop is also an evil scientist, and there’s still a cover on the line...
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Series: A Perryshmirtz Christmas 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2028919
Comments: 27
Kudos: 67





	1. Christmas Cactus

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve never seen a stereotypical christmas rom-com before but I'm trying my best. 
> 
> Also school is stress and my mental health is at the bottom of the Marianas Trench so it's unknown if I'll finish this before Christmas. We'll see.

Perry sits down at his desk, picking up the envelope sitting there. It says _Reassignment- Important_ in bold red letters on the back, and he sighs.

Looks like he was affected after all. And he was just getting used to living in Australia.

Oh well. It’s not like he wasn’t expecting it- Sydney’s headquarters had a massive data breach yesterday night, and almost everyone’s covers were blown. This morning’s walk through the office has given him some idea of the scale- most of the agents in Sydney have been affected.

So everybody is being scattered across the globe. Paris, Hong Kong, São Paulo, the list of locations goes on. Other agents from those divisions will be coming down to Sydney, and they’ll switch back when everything has been fixed.

Perry unfolds the letter, hoping he’s being sent somewhere good. Shanghai, or maybe Los Angeles. Somewhere with plenty to do for the month or so that he’ll be away.

His eyes go wide as he reads the location line, the address of his new temporary headquarters scrawled in green ink.

They’re sending him _where?_

* * *

Perry takes the time during the flight to look over the paperwork his new division has sent over. It’s the usual information; here’s the safe house you’ll be staying at, here are the local customs and laws to watch out for, these are your superiors.

The only unusual thing is the fucking location. This isn’t your average big-city OWCA headquarters. It’s no New York City, doesn’t even hold a candle to Cairo.

No, they’ve sent him to the _Tri-State Area._ A headquarters in a place in the US that he’s barely heard of.

And that’s only because his brother and nephew live there. Other than that, it’s just another state along the US-Canada border.

According to this brochure from the local evil chapter ( _LOVEMUFFIN?_ That’s the best name they could think of?), it’s become a hotspot for practicing evil scientists.

So Perry is going to be assigned one of them as a nemesis. Temporarily, of course, since the breach in Sydney will be fixed soon enough, but still.

The baby crying right behind him finally shuts up, and Perry figures he should get some sleep. This flight is fifteen hours long, so he might as well.

Several long hours and one severely delayed connection out of Los Angeles later, his flight lands at the Tri-State Area International Airport just a few minutes past midnight on December first.

Perry turns his phone on as he waits for his bag, and a text from his brother (sent nearly six hours earlier) lights up the screen.

 _Heard you were going to be in Danville through Christmas,_ it says, and Perry has to wonder _how_ exactly Lawrence knows that. _The kids are so excited to finally see you in person, ha ha. Do come by once you’re settled, won’t you?_

Kids? As in plural?

Oh, that’s right. Lawrence remarried a few years back, and his new wife also had kids from a previous relationship.

Perry had been unable to attend their wedding due to work, and he’s been far too busy to come up and see them since. An unfortunate side effect of his job.

Yes, it means he’s gotten a reputation as a workaholic, and he hasn’t been able to see his niece and nephews very much, but he doesn’t mind. It’s all worth it for the safety of the world. A sacrifice that must be made. And he’s used to it now.

There’s more to the text.

 _And yes,_ Lawrence has said, _I know you think Christmas is a waste of time, but the kids love it. Do try to at least act excited, okay?_

Perry rolls his eyes, retrieving his suitcase and starting out of the airport. Christmas isn’t just a waste of time, it’s completely pointless. It’s just an excuse to play music with way too much sleigh-bell and exchange meaningless gifts. Some even use it as a chance to celebrate the birthday of some guy who died (although apparently not permanently) a bazillion years ago.

But he can pretend, for the kids.

Half an hour later, Perry unlocks the door to his new temporary apartment.

He walks in, looking around as he opens every window he can find. Too many agents seem to have adopted the horrible forties spy-guy trait of smoking, and it tends to leave a lingering smell. This apartment seems to be fine, but by now, it’s a habit to air these places out.

Looks to be the average OWCA safe apartment. The usual tacky decor, with a bowl of fake fruit on the kitchen counter and a “live, laugh, love” sign in the bathroom. The usual mix of random canned goods in the cupboards. The usual complex alarm system that will send any intruder straight into an OWCA holding cell.

Perry leaves his bag in the tiny bedroom (the entire place is tiny, really, OWCA doesn’t have a whole lot of funding) and looks down at the file he retrieved from the local headquarters. His new nemesis. Flipping open the folder, he skims the first page.

His new nemesis is a Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Male, six foot two, forty one years old.

Perry snickers when he reads that Doofenshmirtz’s doctorate is a fake, bought off the internet. That should make things easier to thwart, if nothing else.

This file is rather thick, Perry notes, which means it’s going to take quite a while to get through. He takes a cursory look through the cupboards again, hunting for tea.

Crap. There’s nothing there.

Well, looks like he’s going for a walk. He’ll need caffeine to get through all this paperwork.

Thankfully, there’s a coffee shop a few blocks from his temporary home that seems to still be open despite the late hour.

Well, OWCA won’t expect him until morning, and he’s been looking for some tea...this seems like a decent place. Looks clean enough for an all-night cafe.

So he shrugs and crosses the road, clutching the file in his hands a little closer as the wind picks up.

Damn, Danville gets a _lot_ colder at night than Australia.

It’s not like he wasn’t expecting it to be cold. But he was hoping it wouldn’t be _literally freezing._

A sign hangs in the door of the coffee shop, proudly proclaiming “Hours: Open when we’re here, closed when we’re not.”

Well, technically, that’s true of most places, but still. Looking in the window, Perry can see a lone man standing behind the counter, scribbling something on a blueprint.

The man looks up and waves, so Perry tucks the files under his arm and opens the door. Might as well.

“Welcome to Lovemuffin Coffee,” the man says as Perry walks in. His accent is distinctly German, and his voice is rather grating.

Perry nods, surveying the menu. He pulls his notebook out of his back pocket and scribbles something down, then shows it to the man behind the counter.

“What?” the barista says. “No, we don’t have tea. It’s not Lovemuffin Tea _,_ it’s Lovemuffin _Coffee_.”

What sort of- well, _fine_ then. Perry takes his notebook back and writes down _medium black coffee_ , passing the notebook back over.

“You know,” the man behind the counter says, reading the notebook, “you don’t _have_ to use the notebook, I’m not stupid.”

Perry rolls his eyes. _Yeah, yeah. How much is the coffee,_ he signs, doing his best to remember the differences between Auslan and ASL.

Ah, the joys of being mute. At least he ends up in America often enough to keep ASL fresh.

“I’m not deaf either,” the barista says. “Two-fifty.”

Perry hands over the money, then signs _But I’m mute, so this will have to do._

“Ah. That’s got to suck, huh?” Perry nods. It’s certainly not _convenient_ , but it’s not like he asked for it. Trauma, it’s a bitch. “Here’s your change, by the way.”

Perry accepts the coins and sticks them in his back pocket.

“If you want to sit somewhere,” the barista says, “I’ll bring your coffee over when it’s done. I wasn’t really expecting anyone to come in this late, so it might be a minute.”

Perry shrugs and finds a table in the corner to sit down to go through the file of his new nemesis. He sits with his back against the wall, out of habit, and flips open the file.

The first page is just basic information, so he moves past that and flips to the second page, which is a list of his known evil activities.

“I mean,” the barista continues, and Perry can _tell_ this guy is one of those people that hates silence, “usually I don’t open up this late, but I’m getting a new _nemesis_ tomorrow, and I just couldn’t sleep.”

Perry nods along, still skimming the information. Most of Heinz Doofenshmirtz’s stuff isn’t that ba- wait a second.

Did that barista just say new _nemesis?_ Perry flips through the pages, and there it is. The barista’s face is staring right back at him, grinning from a cheesy hawaiian background.

Of all the coffeeshops he could have stopped in. Of course he had to stop by the one run by his _new nemesis._

Just his luck.

“-Well, Francis won’t tell me _who_ he is, all I know is that he’s a _he_. And since I don’t know his weaknesses, I can’t make a proper trap around that. I can’t even invent something to take my mind off everything, since Vanessa’s asleep.”

Perry pages through the personal life part of the file. Looks like Vanessa is Heinz’s sixteen year old daughter.

Thankfully, Heinz goes quiet after that, and Perry goes right back to going through the files. Looks like Doctor Doofenshmirtz keeps himself busy, although most of his -inators are rather petty, and all of them end up blown up.

The guy likes self-destruct buttons. Good to know.

After a second, the chair across from Perry scrapes against the ground, and Perry looks up. Heinz has moved from behind the counter to _right across from Perry._ He raises one eyebrow at the intrusion, but Heinz seems to be oblivious.

“So,” he says, “enough about me. Whatcha doing?”

 _Work,_ Perry signs without even looking up.

“What kind of work?”

_Paperwork._

“Sounds exciting.” Something beeps, and Heinz gets up to go shut it off. “Say,” he does as he does so, “I don’t believe I caught your name?”

Perry takes a moment to think before he answers. It would be a bad idea to tell his real name to his _new nemesis_ , even more so after he got relocated due to a security breach.

Besides, it’s not like he’s going to ever come back to this coffeeshop. So he can use his fake identity.

 _Steven,_ he spells. _What about you?_

“I’m Heinz Doofenshmirtz,” Heinz says, coming back to the table with two cups of coffee. He sets one down in front of Perry and takes a long drink from the other.

“So why are _you_ up so late?” he asks, sitting back down. “Is your paperwork _really_ that interesting?”

 _Just got here from Australia. Can’t sleep._ That part isn’t actually true, Perry can sleep almost _anywhere_ , but it’s a better explanation than _I have a file on your entire life that I need to read through before I formally meet you tomorrow._

“Ah. How long are you staying in Danville?”

Perry shrugs. That all depends on how long it takes OWCA’s cybersecurity department to plug the leak. And that could take anywhere from two weeks to two months, although probably closer to a month or so.

 _Through the end of the year, most likely_ , he eventually signs.

“Then you should probably be sleeping and getting used to local time, instead of sitting around a coffee shop.”

Perry shrugs again, turning another page in the file. Eh, he’s had worse jet lag.

“I mean, I don’t mind the company,” Heinz says with a laugh. “Don’t really get a lot of people this late at night.”

_You’ve said._

“Have I? I do tend to talk a lot, I guess. Well, since you’re here, want to hear about what I’m designing?”

* * *

It turns out that Perry being mute doesn’t pose a problem during their conversation. Mostly because Heinz talks enough for four people.

After about ten minutes of trying to listen and read at the same time, Perry mostly tunes Heinz out. While the man is certainly interesting, he does want to get through the rather sizable file on him before he goes to bed.

Although he does learn the origin story of the cafe (too much alimony from his ex-wife, mostly), so the one-sided conversation isn’t completely pointless.

Apparently Heinz just opens it up whenever, and it’s become sort of a game among the locals to guess when it’s open. Perry’s rather surprised to read that apparently the shop does quite well for itself, despite being run by one guy (and occasionally his daughter) off some alimony.

“Of course,” Heinz says at one point, “I _do_ use one of my -inators to make all the baked goods, and they tend to turn out rather good, so I’m considering just turning this place into a _bakery_. Who knows, maybe I will.”

Eventually, when Perry’s finally gotten through the file, he gets up and leaves, bidding a cursory farewell to his nemesis.

The cold Novem- no, it’s technically December now- night air is like a slap in the face when he exits the coffee shop, and Perry wishes he brought a coat down.

Danville gets a lot colder than Australia, that has been thoroughly noted.

Oh well. Live and learn.

It’s about three AM when Perry gets back to his temporary home, which is about as cold inside as out. He closes all the windows, sets an alarm for the morning on his phone, and falls asleep within minutes.

* * *

The next morning, Perry is woken up by blinking lights right outside his window. Trying to blink the exhaustion out of his eyes (why oh _why_ did he think staying up so late was a good idea?), he opens the blinds to look out.

...What the fuck. There are Christmas lights up absolutely _everywhere_ , including around every window in sight. Little flags with dancing elves on them are hung up on every light post in sight, and there’s a bow on top of each street sign.

Perry picks up his watch from the table by the (horribly uncomfortable) bed to check the time. It’s midni- wait, that’s not right. His watch still must be on Sydney time.

He picks up his phone, which has adjusted itself already.

Okay, so it’s eight AM. That _really_ doesn’t make it any better.

Danville must be absolutely _obsessed_ with Christmas. Perry was up until three AM last night, and there wasn’t a shred of this stuff around. Five hours later, and it’s like Santa’s workshop has thrown up all over Danville.

Well, the citizens of this _strange_ town can waste their own time. As long as _he_ isn’t expected to participate. He’s got work to do.

Speaking of work, he should head into the local headquarters to get his assignment.

* * *

Danville’s OWCA headquarters is pretty much the exact opposite of Sydney’s. There’s agents milling about, merely gossiping instead of doing real work. The Major seems to be completely incompetent. The singular (unpaid, how _barbaric_ ) intern is practically running the whole division.

In fact, it’s practically a _zoo_ there. Yes, all the agents have animal codenames, but that doesn’t mean they have to _act_ like animals.

All this means Perry gets his assignment (Doofenshmirtz is up to something, as if that’s helpful at _all_ ) and leaves as soon as possible.

Of course, _as soon as possible_ means _after he’s done with even more transfer-related paperwork_ , which means he doesn’t get out into the field until nearly two PM.

His assignment takes him up to the top floor of the building he was at last night. The ground floor is mostly the Lovemuffin coffee shop, the rest of it seems to be apartments.

Until the top two or three floors. A rather _large_ sign on the outside of the building proclaims it to be Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated.

Can an evil scientist even be a corporation? Perry honestly has no idea how to answer that question.

Perry lands on the balcony, collapsing his jetpack and stowing it in his hat. He takes two steps forwards and nearly jumps out of his skin when a chorus of voices pops out of nowhere.

“Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated!” the voices sing (as if Perry had no idea where he was), before they disappear into midair. Perry looks around, but there’s nothing there.

Hmm. Must be some sort of proximity alarm. A strange choice, but evil science isn’t the most conventional of careers anyway.

Perry takes a few steps backwards, then forwards again. The jingle doesn’t go off.

...Okay then. Perry takes another step forwards, and is hoisted into the air by his ankles by a rope.

A classic trap, really. Requires quite a bit of abdominal strength to get out without hurting oneself, but it’s nothing that Perry hasn’t seen before.

“Ah, my new nemesis is here!” Heinz Doofenshmirtz says, popping up out of nowhere. “And he’s all caught up in my trap. Hanging in there?” He laughs maniacally at his own joke, and Perry rolls his eyes.

“Oh, I got one of the _serious_ ones. Joy. I mean really, it was just a _pun_ , it’s not like I kicked your dog.” Doofenshmirtz sighs. “Do you even have a _name_ , or a _codename_ , or something?”

He doesn’t remember last night? Perry, despite his career as a _secret_ agent, tends to stand out a bit. Mostly because of the teal hair.

But if Doofenshmirtz doesn’t recognize him, then that’s all the better for his cover.

Perry nods as best as he can, then pulls a business card out of his pocket and hands it to Doofenshmirtz.

“Perry the Platypus, agent of OWCA,” he reads. “What’s a platypus?”

If anybody else asked, Perry would sign that it’s an _egg laying mammal with a bill, yes I know it’s strange, but it’s what I was assigned._

But since he’s on the clock, and also upside-down, he doesn’t sign anything.

“Huh, you’re quiet. _Any_ way, behold, the Advent-Inator! You see, Perry the _Platypus_ , when I was a young boy back in Gimmelshtump…”

Perry tunes out the backstory for a little while, listening to the blood rush in his ears (hanging upside-down will do that) and gathering his thoughts.

Okay. The owning a coffee shop off his wife’s alimony thing, he can get. The strange backup singer proximity alarm thing? Sure, why not. Evil scientists tend to be an eccentric bunch.

But having a Christmas themed scheme on the _first day of December?_ Thanksgiving was less than a week ago. There are still leaves on the trees. Why would someone choose another pointless Christmas scheme?

Besides, aren’t there a whole bunch of other December holidays to theme an evil scheme around? Like Hanukkah, or the winter solstice, or even national llama day?

The hordes of decorations were one thing, but this too? How _obsessed_ is this place with Christmas?

Perry lets Doctor Doofenshmirtz monologue for a while, taking note of how the Advent-Inator will apparently give Doof 23 more festive evil ideas if it works right, before he cuts himself down.

One (one-sided) fight later, Perry chucks a red glass ball-shaped Christmas ornament (yet another pointless convention of the season- breakable glass that can only be displayed once a year) at the self-destruct button on Doofenshmirtz’s -inator.

There, maybe now he won’t have to thwart maids a-swimming, or however the stupid song goes.

Although, with his luck, he’ll end up thwarting Christmas schemes _anyway_ , because Danville just seems to be _like that_.

“Curse you, Perry the Platypus,” Doofenshmirtz yells as Perry leaps off the balcony.

He lands on the sidewalk below, and the passers-by don’t even bat an eye.

... _how_ often does something like this happen? If the normal citizens of a city are unsurprised to see a secret agent descending from forty stories up with a jetpack, what else happens on a daily basis?

His question is answered when a pair of young boys riding reindeer ride down the street, followed by a few more kids.

Hmm. Strange indeed.

Hang on a second. Those boys look familiar- yes, it’s them. His nephews, Phineas and Ferb.

He’s only seen them through a few scattered video calls, so when the red-haired boy (what was his name? Oh, yes, _Phineas_ ,) waves, Perry barely recognizes that Phineas is waving at him.

At least, until he yells “Hi there, Uncle Perry!”

Perry whips off his hat (they _definitely_ can’t know he’s an agent) and waves back.

Phineas pulls his reindeer up to the sidewalk where Perry stands.

“Wanna come help us put up the _best lights ever_ at our house?” he asks, and Ferb smiles a little bit, gesturing to a riderless reindeer near him.

Perry very nearly shakes his head, before he remembers what Lawrence texted to him.

 _The boys love Christmas, don’t ruin it for them_ , basically. 

Okay, fine. He can play along for a little while.

Although he _does_ have paperwork to do, and Christmas is a colossal waste of time anyway...

But the boys are both smiling expectantly, and this really shouldn’t take too long. So he boosts himself up onto the reindeer, grips the reins, and gestures for the boys to lead the way.


	2. Poinsettia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh heck oh man. Y'all really like this one, huh? I'm gonna try to get it all published before Christmas but...we'll see on that one xD
> 
> Next chapter _should_ be next week. But who knows!

Despite his best efforts to remain coolly indifferent about the whole affair, the kids happen to be right. Decorating a house in brightly colored lights _is_ rather fun.

Not because of any holiday, mind you, but just because of the satisfaction to look up and see the products of your work.

It’s not _quite_ like returning to a community previously ravished by a drug cartel years after you drove the cartel away and helped fix up the place, but it’s pretty nice.

The brilliant lights, perfectly placed, light up the night and make things just a bit brighter.

Although they’ll be taken down in a month or so, they do happen to give a bit of cheer to the seemingly-endless nights. (Adjusting to the days being much _shorter_ in December is going to be a pain, Perry can already tell.)

Maybe not _everything_ around Christmas is completely pointless. The elves and candy canes and wrapping presents? Yeah, still pointless. But the lights do serve a purpose. Even if said purpose is just a morale-booster.

As Candace holds a ladder for him (apparently taking a break from “busting her brothers”), he gets an earful of Danville’s history with Christmastime.

Apparently, Santa visits personally every year after an incident involving a naughty-inator, and Danville is always ready to give him a bit of a breather. Local kids take turns helping deliver presents.

Perry can’t help but roll his eyes. That’s got to be nothing more than a local legend, a tall tale. Santa visits Danville personally, just like he visits every single shopping mall in the world personally. Which is to say, he doesn’t.

Candace, however, seems to think otherwise, even saying how she was able to get her boyfriend Jeremy exactly what he wanted because of it.

Isn’t she a little _old_ to be believing in Santa Claus?

Either way, it doesn’t matter, as she spots something and immediately scurries away from the ladder, muttering something about how the boys are going to _get busted for once and for all._

Perry follows after her, nearly screeching to a halt when he sees the rather magnificent light display the boys have set up in the backyard.

Okay, so it turns out that the depictions of the things the boys build in his sporadic emails with Lawrence weren’t just the result of an overactive imagination.

Candace immediately runs into the house and starts to call for her mom, just as a giant fish hook flying by catches onto the light display and hauls it off.

Well then. Danville gets stranger by the day.

Still. Perry watches as Linda comes out to the yard, obviously seeing nothing to the dismay of Candace.

“You saw that, right uncle Perry?” she asks, eyes pleading.

 _I didn’t get a very close look,_ Perry signs, trying to stay out of the sibling feud.

Thankfully it works, and Candace is merely mildly annoyed as she goes inside, muttering about her nutty brothers.

* * *

Much later, as Perry finishes his reports (yawning all the while despite the newly-acquired tea in front of him, changing time zones is a _bitch_ ), his mind drifts to what Candace was talking about earlier.

Santa comes to Danville, huh? Obviously, that’s got to be an urban legend. If the kids want to believe in it, though, he won’t stop them.

Yes, Candace might be a _little_ too old to be believing in Santa Claus, but honestly, Perry doesn’t care. She can believe whatever she wants to about Santa.

Although that legend can't be the _only_ reason Danville goes over-the-top with its Christmas spirit. There’s got to be something else- what else could compel an _entire_ town to go so overboard with a useless holiday?

He pulls out his phone to do a bit more research. This whole thing is starting to give him a weird feeling, and the first thing they teach at OWCA training is _trust your instincts._

It turns out, with the cursory amount he can manage to do, that Candace is right.

But he can’t quite let that feeling go. There’s got to be _something_ more to this whole thing.

He should do a bit more poking around. As a secret agent, he has access to resources most people don’t, and as one of OWCA’s best, he doesn’t get questioned for using them for non-work purposes either.

But that can happen _tomorrow._ Right now, he should go to bed, before he passes out right at this table and wakes up with classified information imprinted on his cheek.

* * *

A week later, Perry is out with his niece and nephews, watching as they take over Danville’s ice rink with one of their contraptions.

Much as he hates to admit it, their enthusiasm for the Christmas season has started to rub off on him. For example, today’s excursion, courtesy of their parents being busy with their antique shop.

They did their best to convince him to skate too, but even they couldn’t convince him to do that.

So he watches as they build some sort of icy skate park off the rink. Candace, of course, is obsessed with busting them, but honestly as long as the boys are wearing helmets and being safe with power tools, it’ll be all fine.

Of course, someone else just _has_ to show up and recognize him.

“Hey, Steven, is that you?” Heinz asks, walking up to where Perry is standing.

Perry nods and waves politely in acknowledgement. The kids are far enough away so that his cover isn’t _completely_ destroyed by Heinz’s loud voice.

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” he says, stopping slightly in Perry’s personal space. “How have you been?”

He shrugs, taking a subtle step back. He’s been okay. Although Heinz should really know that, given that he’s been thwarting the guy for the past week.

Truly, the man’s face blindness is incredible.

“You should come by the coffee shop and catch up, tell me how different Danville and Australia are,” Heinz says. “I might make some tea.”

Perry raises one eyebrow with a little smirk. _I thought you said you have a coffee shop, not a tea shop?_

“Well, yeah, but I also sell baked goods, and I don’t call it a bakery, now do I?”

_You were considering doing that, though._

“I suppose that’s true.” For a moment, Heinz goes quiet, lost in thought. “Hey, why aren’t you skating?”

Perry shrugs. He’s never tried it, and he has no desire to. Likely, he’ll end up falling on his ass, making a fool out of himself. And that really doesn’t go with the whole “cool uncle” persona. Or the “suave agent” persona either, for that matter.

“C’mon,” Heinz says, holding his hand out. “You’ve got to _try_. I doubt there’s much opportunity to skate in Australia.”

He’s right, there really isn’t. And Heinz is still holding his hand out in invitation...

So ten minutes later, Perry finds himself falling over (just like he thought he would) on the ice. Over and over. Heinz attempts to give him pointers, between laughs.

Once Perry’s finally gotten his footing, he levers his famous unimpressed look towards Heinz.

 _Was this just an excuse to see me fall over?_ he asks, one eyebrow raised.

“No, of course not,” Heinz says, but he’s laughing.

“Okay, okay,” he finally concedes. “Tell you what, I’ll race you to the other end of the rink, and if you win, I’ll tell you the truth.”

Well, now that’s just not fair. But damn if Perry doesn’t play to win.

So he pushes off of Heinz to get a head start, hurtling across the ice as fast as he possibly can. He gains speed surprisingly quickly, nearly laughing aloud as he zips across the ice.

Too late, he realizes that he has no idea how to _stop._ Or turn. Or do anything except crash into the side of the rink.

There’s only one thing he can think of doing, and that’s _brace for impact._

He takes the brunt of the impact in his shoulder, then loses his balance and falls rather spectacularly right on his backside.

“Oh jeez, are you okay?” Heinz asks, coming to a stop smoothly with a spin in front of Perry.

What a showoff.

Perry shrugs, rubbing his shoulder. Well, everything hurts, but other than that…

“Really, though, that was a bad fall. You- you might want to put some ice on that shoulder.”

 _I just did,_ Perry signs with a roll of his eyes.

Heinz laughs, a short barking sound that sounds almost melodious as it echoes around the rink. “Okay, yeah, I guess you’re right.”

 _I beat you to this side of the rink,_ Perry signs with a smirk. _So spit it out._

“Only because you cheated!”

 _I also fell over, so we’re even._ Perry gets up, quickly glancing over towards his niece and nephews.

They’re preoccupied. Good. Getting kids involved with evil science is never good.

“I guess you’re right. Fine.” Heinz raises his right hand in a mockery of a testimony. “I, Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz, do solemnly swear that I did not convince you to try ice skating just so I could watch you fall over.”

Perry notices how Heinz’s left hand is behind his back, which means he’s almost certainly crossing his fingers, rendering that completely useless.

But he pretends not to notice, instead smiling and sticking his hand out so he can have something somewhat solid to hold onto as they continue skating.

* * *

About an hour later, when the sun is starting to set (damn Northern Hemisphere), Heinz lets go of Perry’s hand.

“I should, uh, probably get going,” he says, his smile a little hesitant. “Not that this wasn’t _fun_ , but I have to go make dinner for my daughter, and…”

 _Oh, that’s okay,_ Perry signs. _I should go home too._

“This was fun, though,” Heinz says, then his face lights up. “When do you want to, y’know, come by the coffee shop? I do want to hear about Australia.”

 _I can come by after work tomorrow,_ Perry signs, knowing full well it’s a bad idea to keep seeing his _nemesis_ like this.

“Okay, that sounds nice. What’s your favorite type of tea?”

 _Oolong,_ Perry spells out.

“Oolong, huh? I mean, I’m more of an _herbal tea_ sort of guy, but...I’ll remember that.” Heinz smiles. “I’ll see you after you get off of work, I guess, unless you show up at one in the morning again. Then there’s no guarantees.”

Perry laughs. _No, I usually leave work in the late afternoon._

“That’s good. Well, um, I think I should get going, _so_ …”

 _I’ll see you tomorrow,_ Perry signs.

“See you tomorrow,” Heinz says, waving as he turns around and walks away.

Perry smiles as he watches Heinz leave.

A few minutes later, when the kids ask why he’s smiling so much as he takes them home, he just shrugs. He doesn’t really know why either, really.

He’s talking to his _nemesis,_ planning to see his _nemesis_ outside of work. Under any other circumstance, he wouldn’t even consider this situation a possibility.

But there’s something _different_ about Heinz. He can’t quite put his finger on it, but there’s definitely something strange there.

* * *

Later that night, as he stares at the ceiling of his bedroom and attempts to sleep, a strange thought occurs to him.

What if his cover is blown? What’s going to happen if Heinz finds out that _Steven_ is actually _Perry_?

What sort of repercussions are there going to be for that? Is he going to be reassigned to another nemesis, or another country?

Hopefully, he never has to find that out. He’ll go back to Australia in three weeks or so. There shouldn’t be any need to worry.

All he needs to do is keep the cover up for a few more weeks. That shouldn’t be too hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos always appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the [song of the same name](https://youtu.be/XtB0LqyJsdA) by Michael Buble.
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated! Catch me on tumblr [@humanperryfic](https://humanperryfic.tumblr.com/).


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